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February 18, 2006
Pain of Pains
Rejection hurts. I know that and you know that, but I feel like I've got to get it out. And I know that I pride myself on not making entries that are "emo" or drama-related entries here, and I feel like I've done that because I've not had to make an entry every time I had a fight with my girlfriend or had a bad day and couldn't get my hair to do that...j/k...anyway, even though I'm not a fan of that kind of posting, this is important. This is a "life-changing event" for me, so I'm going to break my own rule on emotional posts, just to have it here (as a record, and hopefully a cathardic method).
When I say that rejection hurts. I'm not talking about asking this girl out and she says no rejection. I'm talking about someone you love very deeply rejecting from their life. My girlfriend (I mean ex...) is doing that now. And it is killing me on the inside. I've spent the last few days just crying now. I've got a great new job that I really like, but now I don't even want to think about working. It is my strength and then some to even get out of bed.
The worst thing though is this feeling. I don't know how to describe it. It's a mix of dispair, loneliness, worthlessness, anger, and many other horrible things, but what hits the hardest is the worthlessness. The facts that I don't really matter to her, and she's already over me and dating again (!) have me feeling like trash. It's so gut wrenching. Not only was she my closest friend but she was my only friend. The fact that I have no friends now stands clearly as evidence in the case that I am worthless.
We were together for about 2 1/2 years. But I know it was longer. It had to have been for me to feel the way I do know. I never thought that this heavy emotional pain could effect me so greatly that I am physically sore, but even as I type but limbs ache and my stomach is a stormy ocean.
The greatest irony in my writing this is that she suggested I talk to someone in order to help deal with it, but I told her I had no one to talk to. Yes I have parents and a councelor, but I really don't know how to talk to them about things like this. Odd that I can so easily write this here where any may see it.
The worst part is that I have no one to blame but myself. It's my mistakes that ruined this wonderful thing we had. I also thought that love can over come mistakes...how naive was I? I was taking it for granted.
I really really want to be high right now...
Posted in Life By akijikan at 01:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
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Comments
I really know what you are talking about...
I would like not to know about it.
Posted by: Camilla at March 30, 2006 12:39 AM